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Archive for August, 2009

must be the hormones

The status update would be, another negative. And I’ve lost count – as promised. But I’m pretty sure that was my 6th… maybe my 5th. Dunno.

Anyway, the big mystery this week has been which donor to pick. It’s an odd thing, really, and a difficult choice to justify. To myself, of course. I don’t like having so much time to go back and reconsider it. Which I do every time. I can’t honestly say it’s a big debate right now, as I bought two vials of Van on the day of my negative test (last Thursday) and didn’t even wait to see if the new donor I was interested in was back in stock.

Turns out I make weird decisions on the day of a negative test. And we know this already. Anticipating a slew of unpredictable emotions and behaviours, I took the day off work to take care of a few things I’d missed since traveling for work the weekend before. I wasn’t all awash in tears this time, having put in place the time-worn technique of Reverse Psychology, enabling myself to pretend that I didn’t have any intention of getting pregnant/ never would/ what a scintillating hobby this is turning out to be. Well, it didn’t get me pregnant, but then, neither has the opposite Extremely Hopeful And Then Devastated approach, so it was worth a try.

I picked clean, all-american boy again, and left the more interesting mildly more alterna-one behind. He didn’t work out the last two times, so I’m okay with that. But wondering why I didn’t go for the newer one I was so excited about last time. Must be the hormones. Despite the obvious point that the decision’s already been made (by me in a rushed and altered state), I’ve been debating the relative merits of 2 – 3 donors with friends, fascinated by how difficult it is… no basis to compare, really. Sometimes being outside the norm is simply confusing. No scripts. But that’s the best part, too.

Next stop: letrozole again (like Clomid but fewer side effects) days 5 – 9 of my cycle, then test for ovulation, then go to the clinic for an ultrasound, pick up sperm, deliver sperm (and make an appointment, damnit!*), go back for IUI, go back for another IUI, pop progesterone for the rest of the cycle. Test. The new part: two IUIs this time. And this is still cheaper than a lot of my alternatives. Including finding a guy, marrying him, and getting a divorce. No, I’m really not that cynical, but it’s true, from a cost standpoint.

* last time I got In Trouble from Mistress Lab Technician when I brought Tank in without an appointment. Clinic is about protocols. And don’t forget it, missy. It’s a mildly funny story, but this legal-form-laden, scolding Mistress had me so close to tears I was speechless when El Doctor finally arrived, so that’s humiliating and I don’t feel like telling it. Needless to say, the adventure continues. Stay tuned…

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not counting

It’s been a week since another insemination… I’m being a little more careful with myself – didn’t do it all in a day, followed more of the rules (though irritated the lab technician by bringing Tank in with me and Without An Appointment), and haven’t been thinking about it much. The prenatal vitamins are such a habit at this point, they don’t trigger much. I’m pretending that if I look at this desire with my peripheral vision, with a practiced air of I Don’t Care, maybe my luck will change. Anyway, it’s easier than worrying about it all week. I’m certainly, most fully, in the hands of the professionals now. For another cycle or two at least, until I start taking a serious look at what will be exponentially higher costs and… So anyway, we’ll see, eh?

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anyway

So that was horrid. I’m glad I didn’t write more, I was in an altered state. Like sudden bad weather, I questioned everything. The best piece of advice I got was probably not to overthink it, though the fertility doc says it’s pretty common. Bleh.

Anyway, I perused donors again, compared the old standbys to a whole new crop and found a completely delightful new one! Called in my panel of opinionators, got the thumbs up, put in an order. Out of stock. They don’t update the website very quickly sometimes, so I grumpily snatched up my old favorite – the one I used the last two times – and didn’t even flinch at the $530 price tag. Not because I have more money than I had 6 months ago, but because I’m used to it now. Maybe this translates to Being More Relaxed so I’m more likely to get pregnant.

And that’s my own private woo woo factor: the Stress Equation. The more you want it, the less likely it’ll happen. So you have to pretend you don’t care anymore – like the people who give up and adopt, then get pregnant a day later. I’m so busy psyching myself out I’ve run out of time for other hobbies.

Fortunately the doctor says the drugs I’m taking now – for ovulation and luteal phase whatnot – counter the stress issue mostly. So I can play my witchy little games to keep myself distracted and occupied while the drugs do the actual work. Hopefully. He also said we should try this one more time with the letrozole and if that doesn’t work, go to clomid. And if that doesn’t work, check to make sure the tubes are open. I find I like this run-down of logical options, which makes me feel like a subject in a rudimentary psychological experiment.

So… anyway indeed. Another whirlwind week anticipated starting next Monday or Tuesday. We’ll see…

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