Archive for October, 2010

back for more

I wasn’t going to write anymore. I thought this was a nice ending point, I was feeling very poetic and dramatic stopping here. Leave ’em wanting more, my uncle once said. And anyway, it’s already 180 pages or something if I decide to print a nice little book for my daughter, which is plenty; it’s 180 more pages than my Mom’s offered about her life while I was waiting in the wings.

But then, for the first time ever, I went back and read about this journey. Because it’s already fading, of course, and pregnancy is as alien a concept to me now as it was before I got pregnant. By the way, I have to say I’m disappointed that my Pregnant Self was incapable of getting a good look at itself. Somehow I couldn’t make myself acknowledge how weird it is. It just was. And if I tried to declare it bizarre, my body would roar back that Typing, Driving, Reading, Washing Dishes and Eating Toaster Pizza is all much stranger, in the grand scheme of things and evolution and whatnot.

So anyway, I realized I miss hearing what I have to say. This is a little bit like my realization the other day that maybe this first three months of having a baby around isn’t isolating at all to me because, well, it’s all relative. I mean, as an only child, I grew up surrounded by cats and stuffed animals. I am now surrounded by cats, stuffed animals, and an Incredibly Animate and Responsive Live Baby!! Comparatively speaking, she’s a three ring circus! I’m plenty entertained.

She’s amazing and I’m wallowing in every detail of her – these uncalloused, impossibly soft feet, pudgy hand dimples, dark eyelashes, fuzz head and musky soft baby smell, a mouth that sucks while asleep, baby belly, chub and more chub, whimpers and coos and gurgles and bubbles and sighs, arms that reach and stretch so high… and only reach the top of her head.

One big distraction in this month before work starts up again: finding childcare. I know, I already did that. But I didn’t know her yet, and now I do. I should have known when I wasn’t clear on the concept of Interviewing Daycare Providers last February that I was putting the cart before the… baby. Anyway, it’s a long stupid adventure I’ve been on since the start of October, which is fouling up my blissful baby cocoon time. I’ll tell you one thing I’ve learned: normal people can’t afford nannies. Even sharing one. At least, not legally. Not where I live. So on to plan B or plan next or… we’ll see who calls me tomorrow.


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